So two weeks ago we went back for yet another blood test. I expected it to be below 5 because of the way my numbers had been dropping so fast. Nope. 53. Ugh! Still, the doctor’s office seemed happy with this. Last Monday we went again. 56?! So, my miscarriage has “stalled.” Talked with the nurse at the doctor’s office. They wanted me to come in for the Methotrexate shot on Thursday. Explained that I had passed a big (well, at least I thought it was big) clot on Sunday. So they decided to test my levels again on Thursday, hoping that the clot would have taken care of anything else that was causing my numbers to be so wacky. 58. So, Friday, My loving (and patient) husband and I went to Lubbock for me to have THE SHOT.

Okay, I’m not a baby about having shots. I had to have allergy shots all the time growing up. It was really scary thinking that this medicine is a chemotherapy drug! Even though my nurse reassured me that it was a small dose and that I probably wouldn’t have any side effects, it was still scary. But, if I didn’t take it, I run the risk of infection or other complications. So right now, we are waiting until Thursday to test again. Please God, let it have gone down a lot! If it goes down by at least half, the doctor’s office is happy. If not, back to Lubbock for another shot. 4 1/2 weeks of “miscarrying”… I just want this to be over!

On a good note…we expressed our concern about when we would get to try again. This summer is bound to be a lot less stressful than the school year and we wanted to be able to try again in June. Our nurse said that was being very optimistic and that July looked better. Well, that gets into summer band for Keith, so July would probably not work. Then school (and stress) starts in August, so that month would probably not work. BUT, the doctor said June would be great (as long as my levels are below 5 before we start again). So right now, I am on birth control (I know, I know…birth control while trying to get pregnant?!) to regulate my cycle. At least now we know that, as long as my period starts after the birth control pills, we will be going back in about 3 weeks to start another iui cycle. YAY! That’s so much better than not knowing when or thinking we won’t be able to go back until September!

I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s ever done this, but I calculated an estimated due date IF my period were to start immediately after the three weeks of birth control and IF we were to get pregnant during this next cycle…March 18th. I’m excited to start again.

I hope that I can focus on the trying again and stop thinking so much about the baby that I won’t ever get to hold. I think knowing that we have a timeline to start again has helped me to not be so focused on the miscarriage. Now, don’t get me wrong. I still think about it every day. I still have days that I feel like crying all day long. But they don’t come as often. Just trying to think good thoughts about June!

Do I have the right to celebrate Mother’s Day? I have no baby to show for all the effort we’ve put into conceiving. These thoughts have been running through my head this whole weekend and I’ve come to the conclusion that…

YES! I am a mother. I don’t care that others don’t see me as a mother. Even though we only had two days to get excited about being pregnant before we miscarried, and even though we miscarried so early, it was still a baby to me. A lot of my friends treat my miscarriage like it was no big deal because “it wasn’t really a baby” but to me and to many others who know exactly what I’m going through, it WAS a baby. So, yes. I do have the right to celebrate Mother’s Day.

My loving husband gave me the most beautiful and comforting Mother’s Day card today. Of course, I cried (I’ve been doing that all day). It really helps to have someone who is so loving and understanding when I feel like I have to cry or I feel like I just can’t make it through church. Thank you sweetheart! I love you so much!

My wonderful sister-in-law just posted this YouTube video on Facebook. I’d like to share it with any mother who has lost her baby to miscarriage. Thank you Barbara!

We went back to the doctor last Thursday. My numbers had dropped from 350 to 217! Good (bad?) news. We did not have to take the shot to make me miscarry because my body is taking care of it on its own. Monday of this week, we went back again. It had dropped to 89. We have to test again next Monday. I’m thinking that it will be down to 0 by then with how fast it’s been falling. Sunday my period started and its been rough. The cramps have been so bad that they are waking me up at night. I just want someone to knock me out until this is over. So, not only am I sleep deprived, but I’m also in constant pain. Midol…here I come.

We had more bloodwork done today. We waited in the truck for our results to come back…too hard to wait in the waiting room. The receptionist called us and asked us to come back in because the doctor wanted to talk to us. More confusing news… my beta went UP to 350. Our doctor doesn’t think this is a high enough number to indicate a viable pregnancy. We were given the choice to go ahead with the shot to end the pregnancy, or to wait until Thursday, check our numbers again, and go from there. If my beta is under 1000 on Thursday, we’ll know that it just wasn’t meant to be. If they are over 1000, we’ll have an ultrasound and see what happens next. We chose to wait until Thursday.

There are so many thoughts going through my head right now. Did I make the right choice? Is this an ectopic pregnancy? Am I putting myself at risk if it is an ectopic? Is this God’s way of giving us a second chance? We definitely believe in miracles, but are we putting too much hope into this?

Overall, I think I’m at peace with having to take the shot on Thursday. Yes, it’s hard, but I don’t want to continue this pregnancy if it will result in a miscarriage later on or if it will result in a baby with many problems. As much as I want to be pregnant right now, I’m ready to move on and try again.

We had our iui done on April 1. I was supposed to go for a blood test on the 16th, but was unable to make it until the 20th. I had taken multiple hpts up until the 18th that were all negative. I had also started spotting. So, we were pretty sure we were not pregnant. So the 20th comes around and we go for our blood test and guess what? We’re pregnant! My beta was 114 and my progesterone was 75.9. I had convinced myself that I wouldn’t cry when the nurse told me we were not pregnant, but I ended up crying anyways. I took two tests that were both faintly positive. I kept talking tests over the next 24 hours and they were all faintly positive, but not any darker than the first test I took. Went back today, the 22nd, for our second beta. 111. Not a viable pregnancy. The nurse said that I probably had abnormal cells that would never have turned into a baby. Now we are justing waiting for me to miscarry. If I don’t miscarry by Monday, I’ll take meds to make it happen.

So, here are my thoughts right now:
*At least now I know I CAN get pregnant.
*It’s a horrible feeling to know that you are still pregnant, but will have a miscarriage soon.
*I hope my coworkers don’t sympathize with me tomorrow. I’ll be okay as long as I can ignore what’s happening.
*I’m scared that I don’t know what to expect with a miscarriage. The nurse said that my body might just absorb the pregnancy, or I might have heavy bleeding and cramping.
*I’m glad we found out that we were pregnant and then this so close together. That way we didn’t have more time to get excited about being pregnant.

Our plans for the next couple of months:
*We’re going to wait until my cycle starts in June to try again so that I am less stressed with my job. Being off for the summer should help with my stress level.
*We’re going to lose weight. We know we should have already done this.
*We’re not going to “try” to get pregnant, but we won’t prevent it if it happens naturally.

Even through all the ups and downs this week, we praise God for the chance to get pregnant and pray that the next time we do an iui, it works and we are blessed with a happy, healthy baby.

3/18 (day 2) We went back for a baseline u/s. Our doctor started us on Clomid for 5 days, then Gonal-F for 6+ days. As of today (3/26), we are on our 4th day of the Gonal-F.

3/26 (day 10) U/s to check follicles. We have 4 follicles that are anywhere from 9-10 mm each. There are also 5 others that are much smaller. Our doctor says 3-4 follicles is great. We’re trying to be optimistic, but not get too excited. Right now, I’m just trying to figure out how to not be so stressed out with work, finances, dieting… We go back Monday (day 13) to see how much our little follicles have grown. Fingers crossed and many prayers sent up to God that we have good news.

We went back to the doctor on February 15th for our first iui cycle. I took Clomid on days 3-7 and Gonal-F on days 8-13. Clomid and Gonal-F helped us have two follicles develop. When we went back on day 13, my lH was starting to rise (9.3) already. We had the iui done on February 27th. I’m so glad our doctor is willing to do iui’s on Saturdays! We started Progesterone suppositories two days later.

I’m pretty sure I ovulated. I had cramping alternating on both sides before and during the iui. My CM was very fertile.

We were so excited about this cycle. I had a few friends at work that I gave all the details to. It was very difficult knowing that many people were waiting to hear if we were pregnant. Letting them know that we had a BFN was very hard. Because of this, we have decided not to really tell anyone except family the details of this cycle. My friends know we are trying again, but won’t know all the details. We’ll let them know when we get our BFP.

Okay, so I wasn’t good about taking the FertilAid. The month I started taking it, I bled for two weeks and then spotted for the next two weeks. Let’s just say that I didn’t feel like taking any more medications. We went to an infertility specialist on Tuesday. I am very impressed! This doctor was at Texas Tech in Lubbock. He spent about an hour and a half just talking with us about our test results and what to expect from treatment there. Basically, right now, we are to concentrate on losing as much weight as we can (we just have to stop making excuses and do it) because my weight is affecting my ovulation. He suspects that I am insulin resistant which is linked with PCOS. Once I get my weight down closer to where it should be, that may help clear up the insulin resistance, which in turn will help with the PCOS. My husband’s weight is affecting his sperm morphology. This is basically the size and shape of the sperm. Because he is overweight, he has problems with high blood pressure. The medication he’s on can also affect sperm morphology. We thank God that all of our other tests have come back with good results. My tubes are not blocked, I am ovulating with Clomid, my FSH levels are good, and my husband’s sperm count and motility are good. We will start with a mini stimulation, where I will take Clomid and a few shots (I’m not sure what they will be yet) and have an Interuterine insemination in January. We are hoping that by losing weight, we won’t need to go back in January and that everything will work itself out. We are continuing to take FertilAid in hopes that it will continue to boosst our fertility. So, this blog is going to take a little bit of a turn while we focus on weight loss. If you are in the same situation facing infertility while being overweight, just know that there is someone else going through this with you. I hope to be able to provide a page soon to give encouragement to plus sized women who are trying to conceive. I’ll keep everyone updated! Thanks to all of you who have lifted us up in prayer!!

Well, today is day 2 on FertilAid. I wasn’t able to start it when it first got here because I was out of town. So far, so good though! I haven’t had an upset stomach (usually with any medicine or vitamin, I get very nauseous) or any after taste! I may be imagining it, but I feel like I have more energy (today, I spent 8 hours in workshops and then 4 hours setting up my classroom…I’m tired now, but I am amazed that I lasted that long). I don’t know if I will be a FertilAid sucess story or not, but I hope, if nothing else, this regulates my cycles.

Pity party that is. Over the past 23 1/2 months of ttc, I have realized something. I have been throwing a pity party and I have been the only one present. When I get bad news, I want everyone to dote on me and feel bad for me. It infuriates me when someone just says “it will happen.” It’s like they don’t understand the pain I’m going through.

Am I wrong in being upset? No. Am I wrong in wanting to draw attention to myself and have others pity me? Yes! Philipians 2:3-4 says “Do nothing out of selfish amition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” I was being selfish and vain. By drawing attention to myself and pretty much demanding other pay attention to my “problems,” I was sinning. How many of my friends’ trials did I miss? How many times could I have lifted them up in prayer? How many times have I made my husband feel bad because I have been unnecessarily upset about my situation?

One verse that has helped me with this is Philipians 4:6: “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the peace of God will be with you.”

One thing that really stands out from that verse is “with thanksgiving.” How many times have I asked God for something and haven’t thanked Him for what He has already given me? Even though I have not been able to conceive, I have many things for which to be thankful. “Be anxious for nothing.” If I put my trust in God, why should I worry? If I worry, am I really putting my trust in God? When I pray and put my trust in God, I will have peace. I have found peace about having trouble conceiving.

So, you have to decide if you’d rather have pity or peace. Would you rather be selfish and vain or thankful and concerned about others needs? I know which path leads to peace and I will continue to leave this in God’s hands. I may still find myself upset at points, but my trials will lead to hope. “…we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” Romans 5:3-4.