2 and 1/2 weeks ago, I had a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. Our doctor found some patches of endometriosis and got rid of them. It was stage 2. Basically, it was enough that it could be causing us not to get pregnant, but it’s not enough that we need to move on to invitro. My uterus, ovaries, and fallopian tubes looked “perfect” (her words, not mine). My tubes are clear and she washed out all of the area where she found the endometriosis multiple times. She seemed very pleased with what she found and was very encouraging.

We went for a baseline ultrasound today to start our next iui cycle. We are very optimistic because having this surgery is supposed to increase our chances of conceiving. Also, I had to be on birth control for the surgery and the doctor said follicles usually grow better when coming off of birth control. Optimistic, but also praying for God’s will. I know there is a purpose for all of this, but I’m not sure yet what it is. Here’s a quote from a novel I’m reading right now that goes along with this situation: “You can’t know what God’s purpose is for the things that have happened until you see the end. It’s like the end of a good story. Everything looks real bad until you get to the last chapter.”

We sang the song “You Are God Alone” in church on Sunday. It’s great to have that reminder that God is on His throne in the good times and bad. Even though we have not been successful with ttc, God is still in control. He has a perfect plan for us. We want His will, even if it means not getting our will. I don’t know how God plans on using this bump in the road for His glory, but I am willing to do whatever He has planned for me.

Okay. Today was my estimated due date from my chemical pregnancy. I though it was going to be a rough day, but I’ve made it so far without any crying or feeling sorry for myself. I just wish I could have had a BFP by now. Oh well, there’s always next year…maybe.

So, our blood test was negative on Monday. Disappointed, but okay. We’re going to be taking a break for a while. Have to save up the money to try again. Will try to lose weight in the meantime. Can’t hurt.

Went back to the doctor to start our third iui cycle on June 18th. Our first monitoring ultrasound was not very good. No dominant follicles. Three follicles on our second monitoring ultrasound: 12, 10, and 8. Third monitoring ultrasound: 18 and 15.5. So, we had our iui done on July 5th. Feeling pretty good about it. Because the doctor’s office was closed, the on-call doctor (which happened to be the other doctor in the office) was there. She said everything looked good. So, now for the wait. As hard as I try, I can’t keep from thinking about it. Just trying to rest and not stress out about it. Hopefully the new puppy, cake decorating class, and everything I need to get done before school starts will help to keep my mind occupied.

Wow! The last few weeks have just flown by. School’s out, wonderful vacation in Seattle, vegetable garden planted…

So, last day of school – 5 days after the Methotrexate shot – I started having horrible cramping on my left side. Our nurse is always warning me that if I have a very severe pain on one side to call them immediately because it might indicate an ectopic pregnancy. So, we called and the doctor said to come in. Only problem was – we were in the middle of a tornado watch with the tornado alarms going off. So, we called from our stairwell to the basement and as soon as the alarms stopped we took off. I felt like I overreacted when we got there because the pain had stopped, but the doctor was very understanding. He opened up the office (they had been closed for a couple of hours), did an ultrasound, and drew blood (he did a better job than the lab at the local hospital). The ultrasound was clear. He said everything looked good and that I had wonderful ovaries. He thought the pain was just from the Methotrexate working. The blood work was sent off the next day. It was only 44, so the nurse told me to have it drawn again the day we left for Seattle. So, that morning, we got up really early and got to the lab just as it opened. Then we went home to wait for the results. We didn’t want to leave for Seattle if they might tell us to come in for another shot. When they called, the nurse gave me the best news to start our vacation! Negative! And today, my period started. So, we’re off to the doctor’s office tomorrow or Firday to start iui #3. Yay! I’m so excited and feeling very positive about this cycle!

So two weeks ago we went back for yet another blood test. I expected it to be below 5 because of the way my numbers had been dropping so fast. Nope. 53. Ugh! Still, the doctor’s office seemed happy with this. Last Monday we went again. 56?! So, my miscarriage has “stalled.” Talked with the nurse at the doctor’s office. They wanted me to come in for the Methotrexate shot on Thursday. Explained that I had passed a big (well, at least I thought it was big) clot on Sunday. So they decided to test my levels again on Thursday, hoping that the clot would have taken care of anything else that was causing my numbers to be so wacky. 58. So, Friday, My loving (and patient) husband and I went to Lubbock for me to have THE SHOT.

Okay, I’m not a baby about having shots. I had to have allergy shots all the time growing up. It was really scary thinking that this medicine is a chemotherapy drug! Even though my nurse reassured me that it was a small dose and that I probably wouldn’t have any side effects, it was still scary. But, if I didn’t take it, I run the risk of infection or other complications. So right now, we are waiting until Thursday to test again. Please God, let it have gone down a lot! If it goes down by at least half, the doctor’s office is happy. If not, back to Lubbock for another shot. 4 1/2 weeks of “miscarrying”… I just want this to be over!

On a good note…we expressed our concern about when we would get to try again. This summer is bound to be a lot less stressful than the school year and we wanted to be able to try again in June. Our nurse said that was being very optimistic and that July looked better. Well, that gets into summer band for Keith, so July would probably not work. Then school (and stress) starts in August, so that month would probably not work. BUT, the doctor said June would be great (as long as my levels are below 5 before we start again). So right now, I am on birth control (I know, I know…birth control while trying to get pregnant?!) to regulate my cycle. At least now we know that, as long as my period starts after the birth control pills, we will be going back in about 3 weeks to start another iui cycle. YAY! That’s so much better than not knowing when or thinking we won’t be able to go back until September!

I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s ever done this, but I calculated an estimated due date IF my period were to start immediately after the three weeks of birth control and IF we were to get pregnant during this next cycle…March 18th. I’m excited to start again.

I hope that I can focus on the trying again and stop thinking so much about the baby that I won’t ever get to hold. I think knowing that we have a timeline to start again has helped me to not be so focused on the miscarriage. Now, don’t get me wrong. I still think about it every day. I still have days that I feel like crying all day long. But they don’t come as often. Just trying to think good thoughts about June!

Do I have the right to celebrate Mother’s Day? I have no baby to show for all the effort we’ve put into conceiving. These thoughts have been running through my head this whole weekend and I’ve come to the conclusion that…

YES! I am a mother. I don’t care that others don’t see me as a mother. Even though we only had two days to get excited about being pregnant before we miscarried, and even though we miscarried so early, it was still a baby to me. A lot of my friends treat my miscarriage like it was no big deal because “it wasn’t really a baby” but to me and to many others who know exactly what I’m going through, it WAS a baby. So, yes. I do have the right to celebrate Mother’s Day.

My loving husband gave me the most beautiful and comforting Mother’s Day card today. Of course, I cried (I’ve been doing that all day). It really helps to have someone who is so loving and understanding when I feel like I have to cry or I feel like I just can’t make it through church. Thank you sweetheart! I love you so much!

My wonderful sister-in-law just posted this YouTube video on Facebook. I’d like to share it with any mother who has lost her baby to miscarriage. Thank you Barbara!

We went back to the doctor last Thursday. My numbers had dropped from 350 to 217! Good (bad?) news. We did not have to take the shot to make me miscarry because my body is taking care of it on its own. Monday of this week, we went back again. It had dropped to 89. We have to test again next Monday. I’m thinking that it will be down to 0 by then with how fast it’s been falling. Sunday my period started and its been rough. The cramps have been so bad that they are waking me up at night. I just want someone to knock me out until this is over. So, not only am I sleep deprived, but I’m also in constant pain. Midol…here I come.

We had more bloodwork done today. We waited in the truck for our results to come back…too hard to wait in the waiting room. The receptionist called us and asked us to come back in because the doctor wanted to talk to us. More confusing news… my beta went UP to 350. Our doctor doesn’t think this is a high enough number to indicate a viable pregnancy. We were given the choice to go ahead with the shot to end the pregnancy, or to wait until Thursday, check our numbers again, and go from there. If my beta is under 1000 on Thursday, we’ll know that it just wasn’t meant to be. If they are over 1000, we’ll have an ultrasound and see what happens next. We chose to wait until Thursday.

There are so many thoughts going through my head right now. Did I make the right choice? Is this an ectopic pregnancy? Am I putting myself at risk if it is an ectopic? Is this God’s way of giving us a second chance? We definitely believe in miracles, but are we putting too much hope into this?

Overall, I think I’m at peace with having to take the shot on Thursday. Yes, it’s hard, but I don’t want to continue this pregnancy if it will result in a miscarriage later on or if it will result in a baby with many problems. As much as I want to be pregnant right now, I’m ready to move on and try again.